Fade to Black

It is currently 8:05 am and I haven't slept yet. Actually, I haven't slept in quite a while, so everything has that faded look to it. Things look less real right now; colors are blander, edges are blurred and everything blends into everything else. As I continue to stay awake, this fade will continue until either I pass out or I begin to hallucinate.

This fade is not only a visual occurence; my thinking and emotions fade with it. They become slower, less coherent and not always based on anything tangible. I think I can understand why not sleeping for too long leads to insanity; you fade away until you are so detached from the world that you need hallucinations to even have some interaction with the world around you. If these hallucinations are allowed to go on long enough unchecked, they will become your reality, and you will be insane.

We like to believe that we can detach ourselves from this world, but really, we can't. We simply don't function in that way; we are social beings who require stimulation from our environment. Give a baby only the most minimal of attention and raise him in a warehouse, and you get a Romanian (this is a reference to a story relayed to me by a Romanian of dubious background I knew back in the day, so no, you won't get this). I think it is because of how excruciatingly difficult it is to detach yourself from this world that many cultures see such detachment as a good thing (see: meditation, nirvana, enlightenment, trance states, television).

As I write, I become sidetracked, and the point I began making has now eluded me. I could go back and attempt to regain the thread of the inner monologue, but I don't feel like talking to myself. I said some very bad things that I probably didn't mean, but I need a time out (I need a schizophrenic friend to help me out with the pronouns here; it is really far more confusing than is fully necessary). Have you ever talked to yourself to try to figure something out, and forget which is you and which is, um, you? I don't suppose that makes sense, but an astute reader would still understand the point I am getting at.

I forget a lot of things, and I sometimes idly wonder if I have forgotten something really important. My memory amazes me sometimes; I have no ability to remember names or faces, but I can remember tons of stupid details that you told me about yourself. I sometimes wonder why that is. I sometimes wonder why my memory works the way it does, and I want to figure it out because I really feel like I have forgotten something that is really actually quite important.

Whatever could it be?